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reflections

i. 

My first love took me a long time to figure out. I was very surprised I fell in love with her, and how, too. Love, to me, is a surprise. It’s a realization. I’m never conscious of it happening.

It didn’t last long because of proximity. And the same thing I’d hear again in the future- whenever I countered with protests of “I miss you,” she’d dismiss me. I wasn’t really allowed to say it. 

I didn’t do anything wrong and neither did she. She just stopped talking to me. She met someone, a guy I think. We had an argument and she tried to appease me, in a very kind way. She’s one of the few people who even attempted to do that.

I never met her. I was saving money to see her. I stayed up late every night to talk to her. Our conversations- I saved them and read them until it was too painful to keep processing them.

We intersected twice, but we never met up. I was near her once and I waited to hear from her. I didn’t for months. 

I still speak to her now and then. We’re on pretty good terms and I honestly wish the best for her. I’d still like to meet her at some point, down the road.

It took me several years to stop loving her. I went on dates; I had two boyfriends. But she was my muse. She was what I thought about before sleeping. I didn’t work my way beyond my feelings until I met my ex.

ii.

What’s there to say about her, then? It’s the most tender, recent cut on my heart. The night we crossed paths was like something from a movie. I was so drunkenly brave and so afraid I lost her when she dropped me off. I fell asleep looking through the Internet for her coffee shop.

The whole time we were together, I could never quite wrap my head around it. I truly felt like I landed this girl wayyyy out of my league. I’d watch her sleep or drive us to do some mundane errand and think, “How does she exist?”

Things were excellent - idyllic really. I loved her. Before I told her and after I realized it, I would rehearse telling her to an empty room. Then, I blurted it out to her as she left one night.

There’s a lot left unsaid about everything and I don’t think I’m ever going to say it. She was my world for the while we were together. I don’t think I ever loved anyone or anything that much.

When we crashed and burned, it destroyed me. I was a husk of a person. It was like - part of me died? Some remaining innocent part of me? It took me a long time to lick my wounds and they still haven’t healed. However, I’m like 70 percent there, which I think is a victory in itself.

She tried to come back once. I was besides myself with happiness - and I fell smack dab into that hole. I thought she still loved me like I loved her. But I’m not sure what happened. I could have handled things better, been more reserved. We haven’t talked much since. I’m ambivalent about the future. Essentially, I miss her but do not think of her as not to torture my brain. 

I just hope I don’t pine for the next few years of my life. I do wonder if she thinks about me, but I don’t know if it’s in a positive light. 

iii.

I date here and there; I try to concentrate on other things. I’m scared of loving other people at this point, to be honest. This, and I know I have to grow as a person, which is the only way I’ll become a worthwhile partner. 

I’ve cared about a few others - one at least fairly recently - but never to the extent as of these two. I don’t personally blog on here for a good reason, but I needed to exorcise this tonight. 

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A year or so later, and a month after the fact

I think I’m starting to feel better about everything, heartbreak and humiliation alike. 

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  • Sheila:go find it
  • or it may become a appetizer for a kitty
  • me:her*
  • she*
  • she is a lady
  • Sheila:the humper???
  • debatable
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Blargh I lost more followers *tap dances from despair*

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